Sexual abuse is a major theme in "The Unknown Stigma 1." Here is a story of a woman who have experienced "forgiveness" through suffering.
My father came into my room while I was lying on the Bed.
My parents were self-employed and their business was not going well. I also had an elder brother and an elder sister who had different fathers, and we were a family of five.
We lived in a tin-roofed tenement house with small rooms, piles of things on the floor, and torn shoji screens. I grew up in such an environment.
My sister, who was two years older than me, was very worried when she saw that I could not learn to read even the clock.
One night when I was in the first grade of elementary school.
(What? Dad ?)
When I got under the covers as usual, my father came in next to me. I thought it was strange and didn't move, when suddenly he started to touch me. I got scared and pretended to be asleep, but my father's actions escalated. But there was no way he could do it with me, a child. I cried out in fear and pain.
"What are you doing?"
My mother flew to the scene and a big fight broke out. My father thought it was a bad idea, and that was the last time he came under the covers. However, since my mother did not see the scene, she was probably fooled by my father's excuses, and the next day she told me to go take a bath with my father without hesitation. Therefore, I had to bathe with my father every day after that, and he even made me kiss him. I later found out that my father collected child pornography DVDs and was a so-called pedophile.
As I grew older, my father's eyes became more and more lecherous in the bath, and when I went to my mother for help, she kicked me out, saying, "Hurry up and get in there. When I was in the fifth grade, I reached my limit.
(I can't do it anymore. I don't care if he hits me or what he does to me, I'll resist.)
Sure enough, my relationship with my father turned sour, and from then on, I thoroughly avoided contact with him, not only in the bathroom, but I stopped talking to him.
One night, I was watching TV in the living room when my father came into my room. I didn't want to breathe the same air as him, so I ran to my room.
He chased me to my room and slapped me so hard that I was blown to the edge of the room.
(He touched me! I'm dirty!")
I was more sickened by the touch than by the pain, so I slammed my head against the wall to get rid of the sensation of being touched by my father, and found myself covered in blood.
At this time, I was so frustrated that I felt like I was going insane just by thinking the words "father or" and "father". I was like a neurotic, self-injuring myself by punching telegraph poles until I bled, throwing things at random, and yelling at my mother, "It's all your fault.
The World Expanded after Meeting Happy Science
Around the same time, we moved to a cleaner house, perhaps because we had become a little more comfortable financially. It was also around this time that my mother joined Happy Science and the number of books written by Master Ryuho Okawa increased in our house.
("Be Boundlessly Kind" is a good title.)
I loved my friends and wanted to be kinder to them, so I started to read books secretly behind my parents' back. Until then, I had mostly received 1s and 2s in my school correspondence, but when I started reading books I became more engaged in my studies, and in junior high school I became interested in science and started reading "Newton" magazine.
However, even when I read books on Happy Science, I could not get into my head at all when it came to the teachings of Family Utopia. I could not visualize a scene where I was getting along with my father and mother. However, when it said, "When you become a parent, you will recreate the family you know," I knew I would never want to do that, so I was allowed to visit the homes of my friend in my class and observed their families on a daily basis. (They smile and talk to their parents! You know, the parents smile normally too!)
Normal family situations were new to me.
My father was disappeared
Thanks to my studies, I was able to enter a private high school with a tuition waiver as a special student.
I was nominated to be a member of the class committee and studied hard, but one month after entering the school, my father's business failed. The family had to flee the city at night. One night, we loaded our belongings into a truck that my father had borrowed and moved 10 hours away to a strange city.
It was a place where I had no friends or acquaintances, but when I went to a branch of Happy Science, I immediately made Dharma friends and went to the branch every day for several months until I re-enrolled in high school. From that time on, I began to study the teachings seriously, and I think my "faith" in God began to grow.
As part of the student club activities of Happy Science, I had the opportunity to attend the seminar "Reflection and Gratitude for Parents" held at Happy Science.
(Now, please remember to be thankful to your father.)
I tried to remember, but negative feelings soon erupted. I tried to remember, but negative feelings soon erupted. (I might not be able to do it.) With this in mind, I enjoyed the seminar while talking with other Dharma friends of the same generation. I went through the same course many times after that, and as I tried to see the good side of my father, I gradually began to see a different side of him, like peeling off a thin layer of skin.
(...... He is a pervert, but he is a tearful and humane man.
He's loose with money, but he's a good person in the public eye.)
Until then, I had looked at my father as if he were a domestic animal, but over the course of the seminar, I came to believe that he was also a human being. However, I could not change my attitude toward my father so easily, and I reflexively avoided him because I thought he was "dirty". One day, I remember my father looking at me and saying in tears, "I thought you would change with Happy Science, but you haven't changed at all.
(Maybe he really loves children but he was hated by me so much, and I feel sorry for him because his business is not going well...)
I thought so, but I just couldn't bring myself to treat him normally. Not long after that, my father got into trouble with a yakuza who borrowed money for a nighttime escape and disappeared. I have never seen him since then.
I was the one who was forgiven ...
Financially, it was tough, but I managed to go to college. I lived alone for the first time, and my days were peaceful, a complete change from the past. When I was in my fourth year of college, I decided to take a training course on the theme of "love" at Shikoku shoshin Kan in order to properly overcome the conflict I had with my father.
(This time, I will forgive my father.)
With this in mind, I went to the seminar.
As I looked into my heart during the training, this thought suddenly came to my mind: (I hate my father, but maybe I also hate myself for hurting him.)
If I had followed my father's lead, it would have escalated even further, and I would have made my father repeat the crime, so I think it was not wrong for me to rebel. But it is also true that I was hurting my father with that attitude.
(The truth is, I didn't want to be the kind of person who hurts people, either. So why, what was I supposed to do?)
What was really hard for me was that I had become a disgusting person myself. I also realized that I resented the fact that I was born into an environment that forced me to be that way. As I looked squarely into my heart, including the parts of me that I didn't like, these words resonated in my mind.
"Only those who have once experienced hatred can understand true forgiving love. You were born into this world to learn it, so even if you temporarily become a jerk, it's no big deal."
(What? No big deal?)
At that moment, I felt as if God had forgiven me, and my tears flowed unceasingly. I realized that the reason I was born in a terrible family environment and the reason I rebelled so violently against my father was all for the purpose of learning to love.
(I had hurt my father so much and I wanted to be nicer to him, but it was okay now. ・・・・)
I was trying to forgive my father, but it was I who was forgiven. I realized that my resentment towards my father had melted off the ice. I believe that my soul was healed by God's great love.
No one can stain my soul.
After college, I went to graduate school and worked for a pharmaceutical company for two years before getting married. My husband, who is a gentle man, have three children and live happily ever after with smiles on their faces. I sometimes dread the thought of not having faith. I had a strong feeling that I was dirty and unclean, and my self-harming behavior would have escalated to the point that I would have killed myself. Now, I am moved by the beauty of the world just by riding my bicycle, I am filled with gratitude when I wake up, and I feel that my state of mind has been completely reversed and my life has been turned upside down by my encountering faith and continuing to face my heart.
When I read "The Unknown Stigma 1," the scene in which the main character is sexually assaulted was gut-wrenching. However, as I read on, I found that the main character's love for God was very strong.
But as I read on, I felt as if I was saved by the heroine's love for God and her single-minded devotion to her mission.
The more I savored the worldview depicted in the novel, the more I realized that the body is only a "temporary thing in this world," and even if the body is defiled, there is no need to think of oneself as unclean, and no one can defile even one's soul. I was able to realize once again that the mind can remain pure.
I am convinced that no matter how painful our experiences may be, we can definitely overcome them if we walk the path of faith and learn these teachings.