Breaking free from the days of depression when considering suicide. - IRH Press International

Breaking free from the days of depression when considering suicide.

"I can't get up, I don't want to live...". One morning, I suddenly fell into depression and became a shut-in. One day, a "miracle" happened in my heart, which had been sinking into the mire of suffering for seven years.

The unhappiest person in the world is me.

I have lived most of my life thinking, "I am the unhappiest person in the world." Especially since I developed depression in my late twenties, my body felt heavy as if it were filled with lead, and my heart was filled with resentment toward my family and those around me. I constantly thought about dying.

What saved me from this state was the people from Happy Science. It was only when I touched your love that I realized I had received a lot of love throughout my life, and I was able to recover from depression.

The Leaky House

The house I grew up in was a rented house where the roof leaked in several places every time it rained. Shortly after I was born, my father's financial company went bankrupt due to a friend running away with the money, and the family struggled to make a living with the help of relatives.

My father worked in a factory and also delivered newspapers early in the morning. In my childhood, I was worried about my father's health, and when I said, "Dad, you should quit delivering newspapers," my father would laugh and pat my head.

"You don't have to worry. Delivering newspapers is for my health."

I always loved this gentle father.

Am I an unwanted child?

On the other hand, my mother was always in a bad mood. She had kidney problems, and she always had wrinkles on her forehead. I desperately wanted my mother to be kind to me and tried to gain her attention.

"Mom, hold me."

Whenever I reached out my hands, my mother would always say this.

"Don't be so spoiled."

Even when I tried to help with washing the dishes for my unwell mother, I was always coldly pushed away.

"Don't touch it!"

Gradually, I started to think, "My mother doesn't like me. She doesn't need me."

I don't want to live.

When I entered middle school, I began comparing our house to my friends' houses. A house with no leaks, a bath, trendy clothes, a radio, a kind mother...

"Why am I the only one so unhappy?"

But I desperately tried to keep this miserable state a secret from others. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I maintained high grades and was known as a "model student." However, at times, the same thought kept coming back to me.

"I don't want to live..."

The desire to die and disappear gradually became my only wish.

Father's death and mother's illness.

The hardships continued. When I was in my third year of high school, my father passed away due to cancer. While carrying the sorrow in my heart, I graduated from high school and found a job at an insurance company. Soon after, my mother developed Parkinson's disease.

At that time, my older brother, who lived with us, had a job during both day and night, so taking care of my mother fell on me. My mother would ask for my help to go to the public bath or the hospital. Each time, painful memories from my childhood resurfaced.

"You didn't even hold me when I wanted you to! Why do I have to take care of you now?"

On one hand, seeing my mother, I couldn't just leave her alone. I helped her before she asked, as if to say, "You shouldn't complain." At night, I would go out to the bustling streets, filling my heart and body with the anger and fatigue I had nowhere else to put.

Unable to move my body.

It happened one morning when I was 27. My body became so heavy that I couldn't get up at all. My brother and mother started taking care of the housework.

"Can't the two of you handle it? You've always dumped it on me."

Wrapped in a futon in a dark, closed room, unpleasant memories from the past would come rushing into my head. My mother's cold stare as she looked at me while clicking her tongue. My brother got a new study desk, while I was given a beaten-up one. Both my body and mind felt crushed by multiple times the gravity.

"I must not die like this."

"In the end, the only way to escape from this self is to die."

Finally, I decided to die. If I starved to death at home, it would be a way to take revenge on my mother and brother, and it would also allow me to erase myself. With that determination, I stopped eating for a week. I found myself in a state where I couldn't get up easily. It was at that time that a thought suddenly came to me.

"I must not die like this."

I don't know why I had that thought. But the words that came to my mind were, "Don't die, don't die," and they kept appealing to me.


As if being urged by something, I dragged my heavy body like mud to reach the telephone and called an ambulance myself.

And then, to the mental hospital.

I was diagnosed with depression and admitted to a mental hospital. While lying in bed receiving intravenous drips, my brother and a woman named M, his girlfriend, opened the door of the hospital room.

M came straight over and hugged me, a complete stranger, tightly. I hadn't taken a bath for months, and I was covered in dirt and odor. Nevertheless, M embraced me without saying a word and continued to hold me.

"There's a person like this..."

After that, M started coming regularly. When M came, the hospital room would instantly brighten up. As a member of Happy Science, M gradually taught me the meaning of life and the meaning of suffering.

"C-chan, because the soul is eternal, even if you commit suicide, you cannot erase yourself."

Is that so? That's the worst... When I heard that the soul is eternal, I felt disappointed at the time. On the other hand, when I was told that "those who commit suicide cannot return to heaven," I remember feeling relieved, thinking, "I'm glad I didn't die at that time."

One word that touched my heart.

Two months later, I was discharged from the hospital with a lot of medication. My brother found a job in sales at a service area to prevent me from becoming a shut-in. However, I didn't fit into that job, and six months later, I became a shut-in again.

In the pitch-black room, I would think about the past and mutter grievances. Gradually, my mother moved into a nursing home.

My brother and M got married later. M frequently came to our house and talked about the truth of the Buddhist teachings.

"True 'love' is something you to give. If you want to be happy, it's important to love others from your heart."

One day, when M said those words, they resonated in my heart. I began to think about the meaning from time to time.

But when I tried to go outside...

"Think of it as practicing going outside, and consider volunteering at the branch?"
After six years of being a shut-in, I finally decided to attend the local branch of Happy Science, following M's recommendation. While cleaning and organizing supplies, I felt awkward and tense, but everyone was kind and welcoming to me.
"C-chan, you can do this? You'll find a husband in no time."
However, every time I received compliments, I felt a strong sense of discomfort and thought, "I'm not the kind of person who deserves praise." Overwhelmed by these feelings, I abruptly stopped attending the branch after six months. I quit my job, thinking that everyone would be angry with me, and my heart was filled with guilt.

Even someone like me was loved.

"C-chan, is it really okay like this? We've been waiting for you."
One day, led by M in a firm tone, I returned to the branch after two months. To my surprise, I was welcomed with beaming smiles and cheers. Everyone hugged me, and some were in tears. Their warmth touched my heart, and I couldn't help but cry.
"Even though I'm so inadequate, they accept me..." Until then, I had believed that I had to be perfect to be liked. But the members of the branch accepted my imperfections and loved me deeply.
"I was foolish."
Suddenly, I felt a weight lifted off my heart. I realized that I had been able to part ways with my old self. At that moment, I felt a new sense of purpose I had never considered before.
"I want to live!"

A new beginning in life.

On that day, I disposed of the large amount of tranquilizers I had been saving with the intention of taking them one day. I started participating in branch activities and learning the truths.
Through these experiences, I met a fellow member, H, with whom I felt a deep connection. We spent time together, and our friendship naturally blossomed into a romantic relationship. Eventually, in the midst of many blessings, we got married.

It must have been tough, Mom.

At one point, I learned that my friend S was struggling with conflicts with her mother. My husband and I contemplated how she should approach her life situation. It is said that people are born with life plans for spiritual growth.
"Why did she choose that person as her mother? I think S-san chose her mother to learn what love is truly about. Instead of harboring resentment toward her mother, she has set the task of learning to appreciate what she was given as a life challenge."
As I said this, I was suddenly struck by the realization that this conclusion for her also served as an answer for myself.
"I just wanted my feelings to be understood, and I didn't consider my mother's feelings at all. That's a form of 'taking love.' So, I've been suffering all along."
I traced my mother's life story. I had heard before that she lost her biological mother at a young age and was treated as an intruder after her father's remarriage. My mother, too, had been starved of love. She also experienced the hardship of my father's company going bankrupt just when it seemed they would finally find happiness.
My mother didn't dislike me; she didn't know how to relate to me due to the lack of experiences where she was embraced with kindness. When I reached this understanding, my heart suddenly swelled with warmth, and I shed tears. Moreover, I realized that my conflict with my mother had led me to the path of faith.
"I wasn't unhappy. In reality, I had been given everything."

Depression can always be overcome.

Since then, I began visiting the facility where my mother was residing more often. Although my mother was showing signs of dementia and sometimes didn't recognize me, when I held her hand and expressed gratitude, she would smile.
My depression was the result of constantly dwelling on how unhappy I was and avoiding the things that had been given to me. But as long as I'm alive, I've actually been given many things. When I learned to sincerely appreciate this, hatred and sadness disappeared, and joy blossomed in my heart. I now understand this truth.
I am now sharing this truth with people who are going through similar suffering, letting them know that the God is always watching over us and that by shifting from "taking love" to "giving love," they can be liberated from their pain.
This is my way of repaying the kindness of the Happy Science friends who helped me out of the quagmire of suffering and the Buddha who has been by my side, always pouring love and compassion on me.

From M, my sister-in-law:

When I first met C, I thought, "I absolutely want to help the girl." Many people have overcome depression by changing their mindset through faith. I believed that C would also recover without a doubt. When I started to see her good qualities, I would often tell her, "You have so many good traits. You should become your true self."

From H, C's husband:

My wife, through the warmth of the branch members and her faith, was able to overcome depression and showcase her true strengths. Her gift is her ability to get along with anyone, without making judgments. Now, she is determined to be a source of support for those who are suffering.
A book related to solving depression is 'The Laws of Hope.’

In this book you will learn:

  • What kind of mindsets are necessary to achieve your dreams and hopes?
  • How can we overcome a negative self-image and depression?
  • What are "The Laws of Success" that are not taught in contemporary education?
  • What is the meaning and mission of our lives in this world?
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