I am a worthless child.

11 நவம்பர், 2023

I am a worthless child.

I wonder if I am a worthless child—ever since I can remember, I have thought of myself in that way. It's because I was raised hearing words from my mother that seemed to 'deny' me.

'You are truly a worthless child—'

My parents, my father working as a printing worker at a newspaper and my mother as a restaurant employee, both working, I, the eldest daughter, had to do household chores from the early grades of elementary school. If I made even a small mistake, my mother would scold me severely, and every time, she would label me as a 'worthless child.'

During such times, my father would say, 'That's going too far,' and defend me. But my mother, who constantly quarreled with my father, paid no attention to his words. There were times when a simple refusal to run an errand would lead to sudden corporal punishment. I didn't understand why she was so angry. Since then, I became increasingly anxious about when I would be scolded.

'Why are you so angry? Am I really such a worthless child?'

Harboring resentment

Still, with the earnest desire for my mother to be kind to me, even as a child, I made various efforts. Whether it was cleaning or cooking, I devised my own ways to help. Gradually, I became adept at doing things quickly. In terms of studies, my report cards were consistently '2' in the early years, but with effort, I started achieving '4' and '5' in the later grades.

I put extra effort into sports too. Born with a hip joint disability, I couldn't run like other children. However, running around the neighborhood every evening, I began to rank high in marathon competitions. While my mother praised me for such achievements, any shortcomings on my part led to intense criticism and even denial of my entire personality. 'Why do you speak so harshly to me?' Eventually, I developed resentment towards my mother.

Wanting to leave home soon

Even I, who had been quiet until junior high school, began to rebel in high school. 'You're so annoying!' My mother would respond with anger to my rebellious behavior. After graduating from high school, I worked for a general company, then became a music instructor at a music school, teaching children piano, among other things. I also started living in an apartment, finally able to leave home.

At the age of 24, I married T, a classmate from junior high school. Although my husband is a government employee, he also has regular overseas assignments. Soon after getting married, we were going to the United States. When our first son was born, my mother, despite not speaking English, came to America to help with childcare. However, I never expressed gratitude or words of comfort to my mother. I still harbored a deep-seated resentment towards her.

True love

As we entered the sixth year of marriage, our relationship with my husband became completely cold. S, whom I met through our children attending the same nursery school, recommended a book called 'The Laws of the Sun' by Master Okawa to me . I was drawn into the unexpected content of the book.

"Expecting something in return is not true love. True love is love that gives. Love that gives is unconditional love." ('The Laws of the Sun')

I reflected on my relationship with my husband. Despite being an excellent person, my husband had deviated from the career path due to the circumstances of joining the government. I had been blaming him in my heart for this, and it must have been conveyed to him. I realized that I was a bundle of 'taking love' and had lost sight of my husband's love and kindness.

I realized that I am also a child of Buddha!

Surprisingly, that wasn't the only revelation.

"Human souls branched out of Buddha and is the artwork of Buddha's self-expression." ('The Laws of the Sun')

Humans are 'children of Buddha' and can infinitely improve themselves aiming for the 'Buddha, the parent of the soul.' It was systematically written. "I was wrong! I'm not a worthless person!" With hope in my heart that I could someday change for the better, I joined Happy Science.

Our minds were connected!

First, I reflected on my feelings towards my husband. I had an attachment to my husband's promotion. I wanted to fill the inferiority complex I had harbored since childhood with my husband's promotion. I felt full of apologies for my husband, who worked hard for the family. Then something mysterious happened. My husband called from his assignment in Iran and said, 'Let's start over together.' I was amazed at how connected our hearts were.

Do we choose our parents?

Furthermore, I started visiting branch meetings, going on retreats to the main temple, and participating in sessions. Meditating in the temple, I felt a warm light in my heart, and my soul was filled with peace.

"I am one with Buddha. I am connected with Buddha—"

Although I was moved by the greatness of Buddha and the power of the teachings, there was one thing I couldn't understand: the teaching that 'we choose our parents before we are born.' I couldn't accept that I had chosen my mother.

One day, while talking to a senior member at the branch, I was struck by the casual words, "Gratitude is the key to improving parent-child relationships." So, during the day, while doing housework, I decided to recall one by one what my mother had done for me. At first, only unpleasant memories came to mind. Pulling my hair without understanding anything when I was young, being kicked in the legs... But I thought, "My mother is also a child of Buddha. If I believe in Buddha, let me believe in my mother's Buddha nature." So, for a week, two weeks, I kept trying.

My mother who has been tormented by my father

Then I remembered my mother when I was in elementary school. Coming home from work, she would catch me and my younger sister, make funny faces like a 'hyottoko,' and make us laugh. I and my sister laughed heartily. In those moments, my mother often said, 'You two are my treasures,' and I recalled.

My mother, who had been crying because of my father, who spent money on horse racing. "For the sake of supporting the family, even if there were painful things, she worked hard for us. Probably, the reason she treated me harshly was because of the bad relationship between my parents and loneliness..." I remembered more about my mother.

"Received a star"

One afternoon. While relaxing in the living room, I suddenly remembered a story my mother had told me about my birth. "Before you were conceived, I had three miscarriages. I had given up on having children. But then, I became pregnant with you. Since then, it always felt like there was a shining star in my heart. So, I thought I had received a star, and you are my star." My mother had a gentle smile on her face as she told the story.

"Sorry, M-chan"

However, I was born with a hip joint disability. My mother would often say, "Your legs are my fault. I'm sorry." When the doctor informed her about the disability, how shocked must my mother have been? Now that I am a mother myself, I understand that feeling all too well. In my early childhood, my mother carried me on her back to visit hospitals. I recalled the sight of my mother pleading, 'Please cure my child's legs.'

Another scene came back to me. In the later grades of elementary school, when my mother came to cheer for me at the sports festival. I won first place in the long-distance race. "M-chan came back in first place!" My mother said, shedding tears while rejoicing like a child.

When I remembered that crying face, I truly understood how my mother felt guilty about my birth with a disability and how she silently cheered for me with 'Do your best, do your best.' It was because she was a strict mother that I was able to work so hard until now—my mother believed in me. I now feel that way.

Even in a difficult situation, my mother, who was always bright and energetic. From such a mother, I learned and inherited 'strength.' "That's right! I was born as the child of this mother to know the joy of effort, and I asked to be born to become a parent! "

I'm glad to be this mother's child

Shortly after that, on the day my mother came to visit, I expressed overflowing gratitude with all my feelings. "Mom, thank you so much for giving birth to me, raising me until now. I never thanked you at all, I'm really sorry." My sudden words left my mother surprised. Eventually, tears began to flow from her eyes. "I didn't work hard because I wanted you to thank me. But I'm really happy that you think so." My mother and I embraced each other, and we both continued to shed tears without saying a word.

Since that day, clashes with my mother have become almost nonexistent. Several years have passed since then. My mother finds joy in seeing her grandchildren. My two sons also love their grandmother. Seeing my mother happily with my grandchildren, I also feel very happy. I now proudly think of being born as the child of this mother.

And I sincerely offer my gratitude to Buddha who has bestowed such wonderful happiness."

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I am a worthless child.